DECEMBER:

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12.18.10

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We could've had a house of our own on top of a mountain.

I killed our child.

He was so beautiful.

He had your hair and the greatest smile.

I could've lingered there forever. Holding him ever so gently.

He's crying now and I'm crying too.

What a creamy!

Honestly though this isn't funny.

And I'm not laughing.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I'm going somewhere I promise.

You'll smile at me someday.

But he's gone!!!

My son is gone!!!

Please God give him back to me.

Please give him back to me...!!!

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1Suicide Birds2Thunderstorms3Creamies

4Snowboarding5The Tree Split In Half6The Child

7The Snow8Humor9Moses,Isaiah and Abraham

10Imitating Hristina11The Spirit12Wanting you to smile back at me

13The tears14The heart15The sarcasm and the laughter that follow the tears

16The mountains17The Temple18Godly Sorrow

19The Loss20The Fear21The Hope

22The Unknown Soldier23 Kiss My Forehead24The Feeling of home

25I'm biting my tongue26The warnings27The Lessons learnt

28The Loss29The Torment30The Hope

31...My mouth is closed and I am only telling a small fraction.

OCTOBER:

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11.26.10

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The cold is truth.Pressed upon me, piercing through my skin like dreadful knives.

The wind howls and the ghosts they follow.

It is not there, like ice, or snow...

It is not there for the eye to see.

The winter buries me with its dead.

Reminding of the men I have not buried yet.

Make thick my blood.

Make thick my blood!

The living cannot hear me

I cannot speak.

I have been left with terror.

Do not make me scream

As a child fights

I have no innocence to give!

I know You Are

But where Am I?!

Listening to: Grizzly Bear- Two Weeks (radio mix)

Too soon I forget

That You once were me.

Under that water clear

You saw me rejoicing.

Happy.

You took your time

To make my small frame

Which this soul would tame

With wired teeth.

And shape me.

Me.Infinite me, you would say.

With its own square chest and filipino monkey feet.

Laugh now...(cry) &laugh again.

Yes, Capture light, my pinhole camera

Let me be your instrument

instead.

Use my hands, feed my eyes

Fill my soul with your glory

Fill my body with life eternal.

To be mother of all living,

the everlasting bride

crowned ruler in heaven...

To learn to fit this small frame with this big soul.

JUNE:

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6.15.2010
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Good and Evil

Both beckoning

Flesh you have attested

Mother, Father

With reckoning

Of words left unsaid

Bellowing sounds

Of earthless cries

That tie earth to heaven

How many times

Will I fall short?

Seventy times seven

Where in the age of the wise

Would blood be shed for thee

Through countless ages we had it wrong

We sought for thee in greed

Murderous sin

To kill our lives

In all our poisonous desires

God I pray keep me still

Or else consumed by fire.

JANUARY:

"The tiger springs in the new year. Us he devours."

With mighty strength, the sea crashes onto the shore.

In awe, I laugh,the salt of the sea.

Water rise, raise these eyes so sore

Wonders 'neath these crumbling towers, it is me you feed.

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1.3.2010

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"Raw Material"

I love your words I love your smile I love how unique and singular you are.

I love your comfort I love your hands I love how honest your eyes are.

I love that you trust me.I love your knowledge.I love your wisdom.

I love your nonsense.I love your wit.I love your sanity and insanity.

I care for your soul.I care for your salvation.I care for your brilliance.

I care for your choices.I care for your honesty.I care for these moments.

I care for this relationship.I care for its growth.I care for your happiness.

I care for an outcome.I care for our friendship.I care for its importance.

But I have loved and cared before.

I might care and love again.

And frankly I don't always know the outcome.

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1.12.2010

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If I had a different name this would be different

Im hoping this change of hair color will make up for that

I wrestle with these thoughts and take all of them too seriously

I pick and choose and hope they are from on high

If I lie still, I wonder what you're thinking

If I keep moving, I pretend I'm not thinking

If I wander, I get lost and wonder what I was thinking

Men went out to sea, and women waited

I count the days it takes for your letters to get to me

I imagine myself near you with frozen feet, as a red nosed reindeer

I read the letters you wrote before you left

You loved me then.

I speak Russian in my sleep.

I pretend you've forgiven me.

I remember your voice shaking in the water.

Your smile when you said forever.

I take upon myself His name and mourn.

I wonder how many drops of blood were my doing.

I feel the weight of his glory, and the nothingness of man.

I wander if you will ever love me again.

I close my eyes and live in frozen moments.

And I wait, and wait, and wait.

My heart longs to be forgiven, by God.

I fear and pray this time isnt wasted.

And that I am not forsaken.

I beg for warmth,and comfort

In faith, I walk alone.

And I wait to be answered.

I pray to listen, I pray for peace.

I pray I will make it home.