September

" I've no more business to marry Edgar Linton than I have to be in heaven; and if the wicked man in there had not brought Heathcliff so low, I shouldn't have thought of it. It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.."

I am a butcher of words. I see before me the terror of my human flesh to twist my tongue and follow through...Sounding out holy words that end with my teeth biting upon my lips. I send my words upon the earth and create ruins upon ruins. And terror fills my eyes. My knees cannot stand.

I can feel myself slipping away..

I'm sorry for what I've done.

I wish I would've never known love as a  child..To smother it as a youth in rebellion and carry it with such carelessness-- so easily placed in open spaces for the world and soul to devour it and give it meaning..When in fact..It had none. Only to you. Only you. Can carry it for the gift that my love is. There is only life in the word filled with pure truth. And I gave my love and devotion to you.

God please help keep me anchored. My brother is trying to take me..

My soul is drained.
 

MAY:

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5/23/11

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"And by your fire I became the poet of the flames...
I breathed your breath deep down my chest."

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5/12/11

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Dear Heavenly Father,

Help me. I've seen so much of war and can't see past it. Please, guide me in your narrow path. Help me not doubt, nor be discouraged. If I am here to learn and must learn defeat, will you still, with mercy, give me strength to someday know you and see myself in thee? Could I, regardless of trial, still amount to my full potential?? Seal my heart with thy word! Teach me more of diligence! I will never truly leave you. I don't have it in me! Fill me with hope and comfort through Thy Spirit. My heart is broken and I am contrite. I have tasted both bitter and sweet. I know I must be patient. And diligent. I pray- I love to choose my path but now lead thou me on. Please help lead me toward my eternal companion. One whom I can feel the spirit with so strongly...  One who has a humble heart... and can hear my words and know the truth in what I say and feel. Someone who won't hurt me... Take away my doubt by helping me build my faith.

And I say these things in the name of the Beloved Son,

And My Savior,

Jesus Christ,

Amen.

MARCH:

----------------3.19.11----------------
You told me to be patient.You told me to be fine.You told me to be balanced.And you told me to be kind.

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3.16.11

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Dear Lady Lazarus,

I pray I shake your tomb.

With one fist I have murdered the poet

His name I would erase

A thousand times over : Defeat!

Butcher, take my body's 20 pounded meat.

I too can slice thick this air

From ashes dust I The Phoenix rose

Wailing oh my! The terror, the beauty!

The cradle. Such crisp white lips.

Seal it with one dying kiss.

Then pull me out from that deep water

That took me in false bride of many mysteries

Take my husband's rib and form this soft shell

Which from the rough shaped imortelle.

Yes, I will tell: more than once
Death was short and life was won
From 1 to 6 to 7, 8
God has once more decided fate.

FEBRUARY:

"Adele- Hometown Glory"

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3.10.11

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How beautiful our tears
How long we wander
How far we have become
Walking on this thin line

 I can't burn the thoughts that made me


I confess I've made my grave
God you have made me pretty
Please let me learn from dismay

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I seek for man's approval
Do you look at me and see?
Did  I see you at the corner
Before Victory, passed Defeat?

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God you've made me pretty
But pretty I don't see
Please grant me sight
Uncover night, with Your disguarded key.

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2.24.2011

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"Simple things confound the wise. And by small and simple things are great things brought to pass..."

How long was it? How long did it take and why?
It's over now. That much I know.
The weather is still cold. I just finished a math exam. I think (I hope) I did well. But I would rather not jinx it.
Today: gray skies and trying to evade direct temptation of praline and cream frozen yogurt. So far, working at yogurtwalk, you think I would have gotten sick of yogurt- but no. I've been actually feeling kind of guilty of how much I have been eating it- I'm progressively trying to detach my self from my freebie 8 oz cup and decreased my amount to several sample cups...But who knows how much of a difference that makes.I'm no nurtition freak and haven't been counting portion sizes.

Although...

I've been working out quite a bit. Rock climbing, going to the gym, soccer,etc. It's crazy how much I love sports. Never get enough of it. My shoelace got caught in the pedal of a spinner (bike machine) at crunch the other day. How typical. Not only did I look like a complete noob but I have to get a new shoelace. Perfect.

Weekly schedule:
4 hrs of class a day
9 hrs of work.

To do list:
calculate monthly income and spending.
calculate savings.
send Sara Foster's letter
write and send second letter to Lauren.
Finish bread before it goes stale.
Schedule time for homework/ week.
Schedule time for cleaning/week.
Get jacket cleaned at dry cleaner's.

Now going to:
Go home get lunch
Memorize scriptures- at work
Start Algebra- at work
Look at my speech video- possibly at work.

I really want to get a new dress and hiking boots.