September

" I've no more business to marry Edgar Linton than I have to be in heaven; and if the wicked man in there had not brought Heathcliff so low, I shouldn't have thought of it. It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.."

I am a butcher of words. I see before me the terror of my human flesh to twist my tongue and follow through...Sounding out holy words that end with my teeth biting upon my lips. I send my words upon the earth and create ruins upon ruins. And terror fills my eyes. My knees cannot stand.

I can feel myself slipping away..

I'm sorry for what I've done.

I wish I would've never known love as a  child..To smother it as a youth in rebellion and carry it with such carelessness-- so easily placed in open spaces for the world and soul to devour it and give it meaning..When in fact..It had none. Only to you. Only you. Can carry it for the gift that my love is. There is only life in the word filled with pure truth. And I gave my love and devotion to you.

God please help keep me anchored. My brother is trying to take me..

My soul is drained.
 

MAY:

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5/23/11

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"And by your fire I became the poet of the flames...
I breathed your breath deep down my chest."

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5/12/11

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Dear Heavenly Father,

Help me. I've seen so much of war and can't see past it. Please, guide me in your narrow path. Help me not doubt, nor be discouraged. If I am here to learn and must learn defeat, will you still, with mercy, give me strength to someday know you and see myself in thee? Could I, regardless of trial, still amount to my full potential?? Seal my heart with thy word! Teach me more of diligence! I will never truly leave you. I don't have it in me! Fill me with hope and comfort through Thy Spirit. My heart is broken and I am contrite. I have tasted both bitter and sweet. I know I must be patient. And diligent. I pray- I love to choose my path but now lead thou me on. Please help lead me toward my eternal companion. One whom I can feel the spirit with so strongly...  One who has a humble heart... and can hear my words and know the truth in what I say and feel. Someone who won't hurt me... Take away my doubt by helping me build my faith.

And I say these things in the name of the Beloved Son,

And My Savior,

Jesus Christ,

Amen.

MARCH:

----------------3.19.11----------------
You told me to be patient.You told me to be fine.You told me to be balanced.And you told me to be kind.

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3.16.11

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Dear Lady Lazarus,

I pray I shake your tomb.

With one fist I have murdered the poet

His name I would erase

A thousand times over : Defeat!

Butcher, take my body's 20 pounded meat.

I too can slice thick this air

From ashes dust I The Phoenix rose

Wailing oh my! The terror, the beauty!

The cradle. Such crisp white lips.

Seal it with one dying kiss.

Then pull me out from that deep water

That took me in false bride of many mysteries

Take my husband's rib and form this soft shell

Which from the rough shaped imortelle.

Yes, I will tell: more than once
Death was short and life was won
From 1 to 6 to 7, 8
God has once more decided fate.

FEBRUARY:

"Adele- Hometown Glory"

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3.10.11

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How beautiful our tears
How long we wander
How far we have become
Walking on this thin line

 I can't burn the thoughts that made me


I confess I've made my grave
God you have made me pretty
Please let me learn from dismay

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I seek for man's approval
Do you look at me and see?
Did  I see you at the corner
Before Victory, passed Defeat?

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God you've made me pretty
But pretty I don't see
Please grant me sight
Uncover night, with Your disguarded key.

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2.24.2011

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"Simple things confound the wise. And by small and simple things are great things brought to pass..."

How long was it? How long did it take and why?
It's over now. That much I know.
The weather is still cold. I just finished a math exam. I think (I hope) I did well. But I would rather not jinx it.
Today: gray skies and trying to evade direct temptation of praline and cream frozen yogurt. So far, working at yogurtwalk, you think I would have gotten sick of yogurt- but no. I've been actually feeling kind of guilty of how much I have been eating it- I'm progressively trying to detach my self from my freebie 8 oz cup and decreased my amount to several sample cups...But who knows how much of a difference that makes.I'm no nurtition freak and haven't been counting portion sizes.

Although...

I've been working out quite a bit. Rock climbing, going to the gym, soccer,etc. It's crazy how much I love sports. Never get enough of it. My shoelace got caught in the pedal of a spinner (bike machine) at crunch the other day. How typical. Not only did I look like a complete noob but I have to get a new shoelace. Perfect.

Weekly schedule:
4 hrs of class a day
9 hrs of work.

To do list:
calculate monthly income and spending.
calculate savings.
send Sara Foster's letter
write and send second letter to Lauren.
Finish bread before it goes stale.
Schedule time for homework/ week.
Schedule time for cleaning/week.
Get jacket cleaned at dry cleaner's.

Now going to:
Go home get lunch
Memorize scriptures- at work
Start Algebra- at work
Look at my speech video- possibly at work.

I really want to get a new dress and hiking boots.

DECEMBER:

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12.18.10

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We could've had a house of our own on top of a mountain.

I killed our child.

He was so beautiful.

He had your hair and the greatest smile.

I could've lingered there forever. Holding him ever so gently.

He's crying now and I'm crying too.

What a creamy!

Honestly though this isn't funny.

And I'm not laughing.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I'm going somewhere I promise.

You'll smile at me someday.

But he's gone!!!

My son is gone!!!

Please God give him back to me.

Please give him back to me...!!!

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1Suicide Birds2Thunderstorms3Creamies

4Snowboarding5The Tree Split In Half6The Child

7The Snow8Humor9Moses,Isaiah and Abraham

10Imitating Hristina11The Spirit12Wanting you to smile back at me

13The tears14The heart15The sarcasm and the laughter that follow the tears

16The mountains17The Temple18Godly Sorrow

19The Loss20The Fear21The Hope

22The Unknown Soldier23 Kiss My Forehead24The Feeling of home

25I'm biting my tongue26The warnings27The Lessons learnt

28The Loss29The Torment30The Hope

31...My mouth is closed and I am only telling a small fraction.

OCTOBER:

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11.26.10

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The cold is truth.Pressed upon me, piercing through my skin like dreadful knives.

The wind howls and the ghosts they follow.

It is not there, like ice, or snow...

It is not there for the eye to see.

The winter buries me with its dead.

Reminding of the men I have not buried yet.

Make thick my blood.

Make thick my blood!

The living cannot hear me

I cannot speak.

I have been left with terror.

Do not make me scream

As a child fights

I have no innocence to give!

I know You Are

But where Am I?!

Listening to: Grizzly Bear- Two Weeks (radio mix)

Too soon I forget

That You once were me.

Under that water clear

You saw me rejoicing.

Happy.

You took your time

To make my small frame

Which this soul would tame

With wired teeth.

And shape me.

Me.Infinite me, you would say.

With its own square chest and filipino monkey feet.

Laugh now...(cry) &laugh again.

Yes, Capture light, my pinhole camera

Let me be your instrument

instead.

Use my hands, feed my eyes

Fill my soul with your glory

Fill my body with life eternal.

To be mother of all living,

the everlasting bride

crowned ruler in heaven...

To learn to fit this small frame with this big soul.

JUNE:

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6.15.2010
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Good and Evil

Both beckoning

Flesh you have attested

Mother, Father

With reckoning

Of words left unsaid

Bellowing sounds

Of earthless cries

That tie earth to heaven

How many times

Will I fall short?

Seventy times seven

Where in the age of the wise

Would blood be shed for thee

Through countless ages we had it wrong

We sought for thee in greed

Murderous sin

To kill our lives

In all our poisonous desires

God I pray keep me still

Or else consumed by fire.